Caffeine really does get a bad rap. Don’t we know it. If I start downing a Red Bull Cola in history class, my teacher goes, “Caffeine is bad for you!”

I mean, really. Red Bull Cola doesn’t have any caffeine in it. Kinda.

Okay, maybe a little.

But my point still stands. Caffeine is viewed as unhealthy, when it has so many wonderful effects! One of the most important being superior braining. If you have no freakin’ idea what that even means, it’s basically this:

Caffeine helps you learn. Like a motherf**ker. Not kidding.

Just make sure you get the sugary stuff. It’s been proven that artificial sweeteners… any artificial sweeteners mess with the brain’s inner workings. Temporarily, of course, but enough so that the caffeine you ingest to gain magical braining powers does basically nil.

Monster, your Lo-carb is destroyed. Again.

/<3

P.S. Braining can also mean “to smack someone in the head.” While caffeine won’t necessarily make you better at that, it can help you devise tactics to do so quickly and efficiently. Why you’d need to is none of our business.

Red Bull Shot Sugarfree
Distributed by Red Bull USA

And the Sugarfree can with dwarfism. And a severe case of plastic.

Caffeine Content: 80mg/2oz.

Image from Flickr via Mr. Smashy (Sugarfree on Left)

Ingredients: water, taurine, citric acid, sodium citrate, caffeine, glucuronolactone, inositol, acesulfame K, aspartame, sucralose, niacinamide, calcium pantothenate, pyridoxine HCL, vitamin b12, xanthan gum, ascorbic acid, natural and artificial flavors and colors.

Can Design: Like a mini Sugarfree can. Not much to it, really.

Lethal Stats (per 2 oz.):
Caffeine Intox.(?): about 4 shots
Hospitalization Amt.(?): 37 shots
Kill Count: 151 shots

Kick(?): For Red Bull, it’s actually got a pretty good kick. More than the original shot, even. It’s a bit more concentrated, and a bit more sweet.

Buzz(?): About the same as a normal shot. Although, downing one of these after an actual can of Red Bull and half a Monster makes for a wicked buzz.

Taste: Like the Red Bull shot, but sweeter. It has about the same amount of the watery taste, but any of the actual flavor in it is stronger.

Design: It’s a Sugarfree shot. As in, the Sugarfree Red Bull, but miniature. Like mini golf, but less fun.

Two calories is actually pretty impressive. ‘Cause that’s almost, like, no calories. Right?

Difficulty of Procurement: Wherever you can get the original shot. Sometimes it’s absent, though. Yeah, we think it’s a conspiracy.

Red Bull Series:
Original • Sugarfree • Cola

Shots:
Original • Sugarfree

Red Bull Shot
Distributed by Red Bull USA

A Red Bull can with dwarfism, basically.

Caffeine Content: 80mg/2oz.

Image from Flickr via Mr. Smashy (Original on Right)

Ingredients: Water, surcrose, glucose, Taurine, citric acid, Sodium Citrate, Caffeine, Glucuronolactone, inositol, niacinamide, calcium pantothenate, pyridoxine HCL, Vitamin b12, sucralose, ascorbic acid (antioxidant), Natural and Artifical flavors, Color

Can Design: Like a teeny tiny Red Bull can. Though if you take off the wrapper, it’s a clear vial.

Lethal Stats (per 2 oz.):
Caffeine Intox.(?): about 4 shots
Hospitalization Amt.(?): 37 shots
Kill Count: 151 shots

Kick(?): It’s water and sugar. Mostly. It’s really sweet, so that may shock you awake. Not to mention the sugar will find you before any of the other ingredients will.

Buzz(?): From almost awake to awake. There isn’t a major buzz, only a pleasant elimination of tired. Probably about what you would expect for 80mg.

Taste: Imagine a Red Bull, but concentrated into 2 oz. Insanely sweet, adequately Red Bull, but a little watered down.

Design: It looks like a Red Bull. And if you take off the wrapper, it looks kind of like you’re a scientist about to test it for something. Pretty nifty.

All in all, this was a really half-ass attempt to get in on the shot market. Honestly? If Red Bull would have doubled their caffeine content and THEN threw these on the market, we’d be a little happier.

Difficulty of Procurement: Where most shots are. Not much more to it.

Red Bull Series:
Original • Sugarfree • Cola

Shots:
Original • Sugarfree

Red Bull Cola
Distributed by Red Bull USA

Caffeine Content: Approx. 45mg per 12 oz.

Image from Wikipedia

Ingredients: sugar, carbon dioxide, natural flavor (caramel), natural flavors from plant extracts (galangal, vanilla, mustard seed, lime, kola nut, cacao, licorice, cinnamon, lemon, ginger, coca leaf, orange, corn mint, pine, cardamom, mace, clove), lemon juice concentrate, caffeine (from coffee beans)

Design: The classic cola can design, with a stylish metal tab (bull cutout for the win!) and a Red Bull twist. Blue and red, with silver accents.

Lethal Stats (per 12 oz.):
Caffeine Intox.(?): 6 cans
Hospitalization Amt.(?): 66.6 cans
Kill Count: 268 cans

Kick(?): Theoretically, more than a Coke. Actually, nothing.

Buzz(?): Little to none, even for a lightweight. Then again, it IS just a cola.

Taste: “I like it… I think.” Nothing else needs to be said. It’s Red Bull Coke.

Design: Once again, it’s a classic design, with Red Bull’s signature branding to help it out. Lucky for you, Red Bull has a reputation. Sure, it screams of drunk guys watching TV at 3 AM, sitting on a beat-up couch with monster beer-bellies, but that’s an image you can choose to take on, if you so desire.

Let’s face it, having a cola makes Red Bull sound cooler… and it would be cooler, had the caffeine content been anything like a Red Bull. Unfortunately, Red Bull Cola doesn’t live up to its namesake. It couldn’t. Not even if it wanted to.

45mg per 12 oz. is, well, depressing. Especially when you compare it to the 80mg that reside in the 8.4 oz. Original Red Bull. What’s interesting is that Red Bull refused to disclose the true amount of caffeine in their cola. Probably to avoid sites like us writing reviews… like this.

Red Bull and its respective cola each carry a vaguely alcoholic smell about them; we equate it to alcohol and fruit punch.

As a side note, I’m sure you all have heard of Red Bull Cola being banned in Germany for having trace amount of cocaine in it. Like, TRACE amounts. Similar to their caffeine content. Hah. Okay, we’re done.

Difficulty of Procurement: You can get it wherever you can get the Original. Look hard, though. It’ll be trying to pass off as an energy drink.

P.S. Despite the low caffeine content (and review), Red Bull Cola rules. Just sayin’.

Red Bull Series:
Original • Sugarfree • Cola

Shots:
Original • Sugarfree

Red Bull Sugarfree
Distributed by Red Bull USA

Caffeine Content: 80mg/8.4oz.

Image from Flicker via ibrotons

Ingredients: carbonated water, citric acid, taurine, sodium citrate, magnesium carbonate, caffeine, glucuronolactone, acesulfame K, aspartame, inositol, niacinamide, calcium pantothenate, pyridoxine HCL, vitamin b12, xanthine gum, natural and artificial flavors, colors.

Can Design: Same as the original design, only the blue is a bit lighter. The tab is also blue, unlike the original, where the tab is silver, like the can. Something interesting about the tops, though, is that the top of the Sugarfree can is slightly frosted, while the top of the original can is shiny.

Just thought we’d point that out.

Lethal Stats (per 8.4 oz.):
Caffeine Intox.(?): about 4 cans
Hospitalization Amt.(?): 37 cans
Kill Count: 151 cans

Kick(?): Sweet, in that makes-you-salivate-involuntarily kind of way. The carbonation adds a bit to the kick, but besides that, it’s nothing special. It’s also not really lightly carbonated, especially if you chug it. Like what we did.

Buzz(?): Awake, and a slight brain boost. If you’re not already tired, it’s more than possible you won’t feel any buzz at all.

Taste: Sour, and lots more of that sweat kind of taste. Why anyone would flavor an energy drink with something reminiscent of sweat, we’ll never know.

Clever how they some how made acesulfame potassium sound even cooler by shortening potassium to K, though.

Design: It seriously looks like a softer, more female-friendly Red Bull. We’re serious, look at the colors! Besides making it painfully obvious that it’s a diet energy drink, along with several other popular drink brands (coughmonstercough), it just looks… well, lighter.

On the plus side, it’ll give your buddies the heads-up if you’re actually on a diet and don’t want to be tempted with chili-cheese dogs or something.

Unfortunately, Red Bull is the first energy drink a lot of people actually end up tasting. Which really sucks, because no one drinks Red Bull for the taste.

Actually, as far as we know, no one drinks Red Bull.

It’s probably an acquired taste.

Difficulty of Procurement: This and the original are equals. Not a relationship you normally see in energy drinks. Then again, Red Bull usually dictates “normal.”

Red Bull Series:
Original • Sugarfree • Cola

Shots:
Original • Sugarfree

Red Bull
Distributed by Red Bull USA

Caffeine Content: 80mg/8.4oz. Kings of the standard.

Image from ph2.us

Ingredients: carbonated water, sucrose, glucose, citric acid, taurine, sodium citrates, magnesium carbonate, caffeine, glucuronolactone, inositol, niacinamide, calcium-pantothenate, pyridoxine HCL, vitamin b12, natural and artificial flavors and colors.

Can Design: Silver can, checkered with deep blue, though the vertical lines are at a diagonal slant. Logo in the center.

Lethal Stats (per 8.4 oz.):
Caffeine Intox.(?): about 4 cans
Hospitalization Amt.(?): 37 cans
Kill Count: 151 cans

Kick(?): Citrus and sugar give you a little kick, and, honestly? Lightly carbonated, isn’t. Especially when you chug it. ESPECIALLY when you chug it.

Buzz(?): It’s awake. It won’t jolt you awake like, um… Jolt. But it’s there, and it’ll take you from, “Hey, I’m kinda tired” to, “Hey, I’m not really that tired.” Yep.

Taste: It’s sweet, vaguely citrus… and we can’t shake the feeling that we may be drinking someone’s sweat. Save the Chuck Norris jokes, though. We’ve heard ‘em all.

Design: Red Bull is one of the most easily recognizable cans on the market. It was originally sold in 8 oz. cans, then they stepped it up, continuously. For a bit. In any case, if you feel like being a stereotypical dude, stock a few packs of these next to your beer in the fridge. Your buddies will quietly crown you hardcore.

Interestingly enough, not many people like Red Bull. But don’t let that stop you from trying it. Like many things (beer included), Red Bull is an acquired taste. And there’s an exclusive secret club they’ll ask you to join if you end up acquiring it. No lie.

Difficulty of Procurement: Red Bull is almost everywhere. If there’s an energy drink section, there’s probably a Red Bull somewhere. Often, they’ll even get their own fridge.

Red Bull Series:
Original • Sugarfree • Cola

Shots:
Original • Sugarfree

AMP Traction
Distributed by PepsiCo via Mt. Dew

As far as car-related-names go, this one kinda fits.

Caffeine Content: 80mg/8oz.

Image from AMPEnergy.com

Ingredients: carbonated water, high fructose corn syrup, citric acid, natural flavor, taurine, maltodextrin, guarana seed extract, sodium benzoate (preserves freshness), sodium hexametaphosphate (to protect flavor), caffeine, d-ribose, gum arabic, niacinamide, panax ginseng root extract, calcium pantothenate, red 40, calcium disodium edta (to protect flavor), brominated vegetable oil, riboflavin, blue 1

Can Design: Like the original, but an amazing shade of purple. Probably the best looking can, next to Sugar Free.

Lethal Stats (per 16 oz.):
Caffeine Intox.(?): 2 cans
Hospitalization Amt.(?): 19 cans
Kill Count: 75 cans

Kick(?): Existent, but not prominent. It’s basically all carbonation. Count on it more for your noon-ish pick-me-up, versus your six-AM-ish wake-up.

Buzz(?): Will ward off sleepiness well, but doesn’t give as much of a boost as other drinks. If you need to be awake, try this. If you need a boost, you’re better off using some other fuel for liftoff.

Taste: Grape Gatorade. What? Without the carbonation, you can taste a little more of the AMP, though.

Design: It’s one of those cans you’re proud to have sitting on your coffee table while you’re watching… oh, let’s say NASCAR.

We’re not sure there has been a more grape energy drink on the planet. But that’s only because we’re reviewing this before Grape NOS.

Difficulty of Procurement: As with all flavors of AMP, you can find this can at random. For some reason, grocery stores have a greater selection.

AMP Series:
Original • Sugar Free • Overdrive • Traction • Relaunch • Elevate • Lightning

Limited Edition:
Tradin’ Paint

Tea:
Green Tea • Black Tea

AMP Tradin’ Paint
Distributed by PepsiCo via Mt. Dew

Probably the greatest tasting AMP there is. But it’s limited edition… !!!

Also, if you’re a fan of Dale Earnhardt Jr., this is pretty much your drink.

Caffeine Content: 80mg/8oz.

Image from Everyview.com

Ingredients: carbonated water, high fructose corn syrup, citric acid, natural and artificial flavor, taurine, guarana seed extract, sodium benzoate (preserves freshness), sodium hexametaphosphate (to protect flavor), caffeine, maltodextrin, gum arabic, niacinamide, panax ginseng root extract, calcium pantothenate, calcium disodium edta (to protect flavor), brominated vegetable oil, riboflavin, Blue 1

Can Design: Like a car. Racecar, to be exact. Green, white and red. Which makes little sense, because the flavors are orange, lime and berry.

Lethal Stats (per 16 oz.):
Caffeine Intox.(?): 2 cans
Hospitalization Amt.(?): 19 cans
Kill Count: 75 cans

Kick(?): Since the taste rides on orange and lime, it has a decent kick. It’s not angry, or in-your-face, but it’s a pretty decent kick.

Buzz(?): Mt. Dew is the best soda ever made. -cough- And it’ll wake you up if you’re feeling a little drowsy. That’s about it, though.

Taste: Those Shots popsicles… you know, the ones that were like little popsicle dots? Both the flavors, mixed together. Definitely a relief after tasting the sugar free.

Design: If you like cars, you’ll like the can. If you don’t like cars and are holding the can, people who like cars will like you. Vicious cycle, ain’t it?

It’s great how it all comes together. Mt. Dew? Check. Racecars? Check. Contraction of -ing? Definitely check.

It’s almost impossible not to make a joke at this point.

Difficulty of Procurement: Everywhere. You see this can more than the original, and that’s really saying something. It’s limited edition, so it makes sense.

AMP Series:
Original • Sugar Free • Overdrive • Traction • Relaunch • Elevate • Lightning

Limited Edition:
Tradin’ Paint

Tea:
Green Tea • Black Tea

AMP with Green Tea
Distributed by PepsiCo via Mt. Dew

Omnom, tea is great, omnom.

Caffeine Content: 78mg/8oz.

Image from AMPEnergy.com

Ingredients: carbonated water, high fructose corn syrup, citric acid, natural flavor, beta-alanine, green tea, sodium hexametaphosphate, taurine, guarana seed extract, caffeine, maltodextrin, sodium benzoate and potassium sorbate, niacinamide, panax ginseng root extract, calcium pantothenate, calcium disodium edta, pyridoxine hydrochloride

Can Design: Pretty much identical to Black Tea, except it’s green. And it’s a pretty, faded green, not that ugly bright green on the official site and to the right, here. As great as you are, AMP, only Monster can pull off that color. In any case, the brown color in said picture is not brown, but faded green.

Lethal Stats (per 16 oz.):
Caffeine Intox.(?): 2 cans
Hospitalization Amt.(?): 19 cans
Kill Count: 77 cans

Kick(?): It’s nice, sweet, and harmless. Yes, green tea rules something awesome, but if you were looking for a kick, you’re better off picking up Black Tea instead.

Buzz(?): Green Tea probably does a little more calming than buzzing. Yes, it’s got a bit more caffeine, but we’re thinking the tea itself is actually canceling that out.

Taste: It’s exactly what you’d expect. It’s green tea, with Yuzu (whatever that is), which happens to taste pretty good, and quite a bit milder (both the tea and the fruit) than the black tea with lemon.

Design: It’s a very pretty design. If you’d like to look vaguely Asian, or something slightly mystical and intimidating… this can could work. You will gain a reputation for drinking tea, though, which can be good or bad, depending on who you are.

The can we got was dented, and though this has nothing to do with the drink itself, it was a lot of fun drinking it sideways. Then we hammered out the dent when we got tired of it.

Difficulty of Procurement: A little less than all the other flavors. This is new, too, so it doesn’t make sense to us why it’s harder to find. Maybe it’s just really, really good. Look hard.

AMP Series:
Original • Sugar Free • Overdrive • Traction • Relaunch • Elevate • Lightning

Limited Edition:
Tradin’ Paint

Tea:
Green Tea • Black Tea

AMP with Black Tea
Distributed by PepsiCo via Mt. Dew

We are ever so grateful that AMP came out with tea.

Caffeine Content: 90mg/8oz.

Image from AMPEnergy.com

Ingredients: carbonated water, high fructose corn syrup, citric acid, beta alanine, tea, phosphoric acid, sodium hexametaphosphate, taurine, guarana seed extract, caffeine, maltodextrin, sodium benzoate and potassium sorbate, caramel color, gum arabic, niacinamide, panax ginseng root extract, calcium pantothenate, natural flavor, calcium disodium edta, brominated vegetable oil, pyridoxine hydrochloride, red 40

Can Design: Like if a Chinese man walked into a French hotel. It looks like French wallpaper, but instead of a fleur-de-lis, it’s a dragon. Also, it’s gold. Way more gold than a stupid photo could ever show. Awesome.

Lethal Stats (per 16 oz.):
Caffeine Intox.(?): 2 cans
Hospitalization Amt.(?): 16.5 cans
Kill Count: 67 cans

Kick(?): It’s very lemon, so it’s sour, and well carbonated. Since it’s tea, the buzz sort of creeps up on you, but there is a point where you can tell the caffeine’s kicked in.

Buzz(?): It’s awake. And since the caffeine is a little higher (go black tea!), so is the buzz.

Taste: Like a carbonated lemon Brisk. That’s about it.

Design: Pretend like Starbucks sold energy drinks instead of coffee. Now pretend like this Hyper-Starbucks is a person. That’s you, holding this can.

With all the energy drinks bringing in their coffee counterparts, it’s kind of a relief that AMP went with tea. After all, tea was the first plant discovered with caffeine in it, so we’d always really hoped someone would make tea into an energy drink.

Difficulty of Procurement: Since it’s new, it’s pretty much everywhere. Hooray for new!

AMP Series:
Original • Sugar Free • Overdrive • Traction • Relaunch • Elevate • Lightning

Limited Edition:
Tradin’ Paint

Tea:
Green Tea • Black Tea